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Writer's pictureAlmeera Eman

Top 2 Family Strains During a Gap Year (and How a Family Agreement Can Help)



Is your teen starting a gap year? Worried about the challenges ahead? Tune into our latest episode to learn how to ease the transition and avoid common pitfalls that lead to family stress and conflict. 


Gap Year Expert, Michelle Dittmer explores how to set expectations, foster independence, and create a family contract that balances freedom and responsibility. Make sure to Download the template and set your teen up for success this year. Let’s make this gap year one of growth—for everyone!


Topics Discussed

  • Top 2 Biggest Mistakes: The episode highlights two major mistakes families make during the gap year transition:

  1. Not letting go of childhood expectations and behaviours, 

  2. Failing to communicate expectations clearly on both sides.


  • Independence vs. Responsibility: Michelle discusses the importance of balancing independence with responsibility, ensuring young adults develop the skills they need to thrive after the gap year.


  • Family Contract: Access the downloadable family contract template to help set clear expectations and avoid conflicts by aligning both parent and teen goals.


  • Communication Tips: Michelle provides practical advice on having open, respectful conversations to ensure everyone is on the same page.


Resources Mentioned In This Episode



Transcript

Michelle Dittmer 00:00 

Starting a gap year for the whole family can be a challenge.


So how do we make sure this transition goes as smoothly as possible?


On today's podcast, we'll talk about the two reasons that cause the most stress for families and we'll talk about a new download that we have for a template for a family contract to make sure everybody's on the same page and has the best gap year possible.


So take a listen!


Michelle Dittmer 01:11

Hey there and welcome to the Gap Year Podcast!  My name is Michelle Dittmer and I am your host and Gap Year expert. Well, September is just literally days away and or maybe we're in it while you're listening, who knows?

Well, September can bring about a lot of changes and this can be very stressful for both parents and gappers. The reality is that a gap year is uncharted territory for everyone involved.


We're moving into a time where there's going to be less structure, no more school schedules, no more agendas coming home, no more curriculum to follow. That routine that you have been in for 14 years is going out the window and we're going to have to start to set some new expectations.


The reality is that you're going to have much more decisions to make on how do you spend your time, how do you spend your money, what is this year going to look like.So it can bring up a lot of challenges between parents and their kids.


But over the years really I've noticed that there are two major mistakes that happen that really lead to most of the conflict and challenges that happen. And this is regardless of whether your young person is taking a gap year or not. Really this is about when The young person is navigating that transition from being a child into being an adult and an emerging adult and what does that look like for them and what does that look like for the parents who are also navigating that with their young person. So I'm going to elaborate on each of these mistakes in a second but I'm just going to let you know right up front what they are in case you've got to take off.


Michelle Dittmer 03:15 

Mistake number one is not shedding childhood expectations but also behaviors. And mistake number two is not communicating expectations on both sides of the equation.So let's dive into mistake one and mistake two and a little spoiler alert here we do have a download that is going to be extremely helpful to you it's linked in the show notes so again if you're not going to listen to the whole episode make sure you get that download because it will help you to avoid the majority of conflict that will happen in the next little bit if your young person


Michelle Dittmer 03:52

Let's jump into those mistakes. Mistake number one I said is not shedding childhood expectations and behaviors. So let's look at this one through both the lens of a parent and the young adult. When the gappers were in high school, very, very kind of clear cut that they are still kids. They're kids with kids responsibilities and kids with kids limitations. Things were quite cut and dry and very clear on what that looks like. But now that quote unquote child is out of high school and perhaps even the age of majority in your jurisdiction, so like a legal adult, but is still living under the roof of their parents, do things really need to shift?Should things shift? What things should shift? Lots of questions come up. So often what happens in this transition is that when moving into a gap year or living at home as an adult both the parent and child just move forward without discussing any of these changes to rules or responsibilities or maybe even not changing the rules and responsibilities at all or the expectations at all.


While this might work in the short term, really kind of avoiding those difficult conversations, it's not going to work out in the long run, I can guarantee it. Because what happens is that the young person is going to want and need more independence and is going to start to push for this. This is a totally natural and Very good thing to happen that is something that young adults are wired to do with their brain chemistry with the evolution of their brain that is something that is you are hardwired to do your young person is hardwired to do is to push for independence because really what we want to happen what parents want for their young people what the young people want for themselves is to be able to survive without In order for parents to have a young person that can become independent, we need to recognize that coming of age and to start to give them some space.


Now if we choose not to do that, we're going to get conflict. We're going to get bruised relationships that can last into adulthood. And really fighting this transition is a losing battle. So how do we make this transition smoother?


Michelle Dittmer 06:45

For parents and gappers, it's time to really look at independence and responsibility as two sides of the same coin. So with more independence comes more responsibility. And sometimes this is where parents fail, where they grant the independence without increasing responsibility.


And this pattern leads to dependent adults, adult children, who struggle once they move out because they haven't been given that safe space to develop responsibility slowly. And if you're not going to enforce that responsibility, gappers are going to take advantage of this.I mean, who wouldn't want a really cushy life where you get to do what you want without having that tie to bills and laundry and cooking and all of that accountability that comes with being a grown up? That sounds like a pretty sweet place to be.


So we do have to make sure that we are setting them up for success by partnering that independence with increased responsibility. The gap year is a really great time to start to make this transition into young adulthood. Both seeing your kid as an adult worthy of more independence and responsibility and the young person themselves having the opportunity to seek more independence and seek more responsibility. So as we grow naturally, whether that's personally or professionally, we're given more responsibility because people know that we have proven that we can handle it. So think of it like a promotion at work. If you are working as a coordinator and you show that you do really good work, you're very competent. Maybe your boss is going to give you a promotion to project manager and then maybe even a raise. So you're getting more money but you're also getting more responsibility and the expectations of you are higher. So think about the transition into young adulthood in this same way. So we're promoting someone to young adulthood. So more independence is coming with more responsibility.


Now for this to happen, both of you need to let go of the child's version of your kid or yourself and trust that the next steps are part of life's training and growth.It's important to have conversations around what independence looks like, something that both the parent and the young person are comfortable with. It's equally important to have conversations around what reasonable responsibilities could be. So moving from not paying for anything to paying for cell phones and clothes and the hydro and the mortgage, that's not reasonable and that's not helpful to this transition.


So really, what would that look like for your family? And this is where a family contract or a family agreement can come into play. And it's a really great way to have open discussions around these transitions and put into words what is going to work for both parties. 


Michelle Dittmer 10:06 

And here's our download.  We have a template for this agreement, so something that we have created for you to use that will serve as the basis for this conversation. It covers many of the hot topics that families get into conflict over. Each area is providing some prompts to clarify what might work and what might not work for your family in navigating this balance of independence and responsibility.


Michelle Dittmer 10:06 

But before I get too far into that document, I want to touch quickly on the second major mistake that families make. And mistake number two is not being on the same page. I can't tell you how many times this happens. Gappers assume what their parents' expectations are. “Oh, my mom would never let me travel because she's going to think it's too dangerous” When in fact mom is totally on board with that experience, she sees it as a time of growth and a really great opportunity as long as they're part of a group travel experience.

The other side of the coin, parents aren't communicating their expectations to their young person and that can lead to conflict. Maybe the parent's expectation is that, oh let's actually use this example here, often gappers and parents maybe aren't on the same page about the purpose of the gap year or what the next steps after the gap year should look like. So perhaps the parents want certain activities and the gapper wants something else. 


So let's say the parents are really keen on their young person getting a job right away and their expectation Sometimes unspoken is that a job is what needs to happen first and foremost. Whereas the gapper themselves may identify that their mental health is not in a spot where they can get a job and maybe they need something different.Maybe they need to find a therapist or maybe they need to take a break from that summer job before jumping into a fall job to get their head in the right space to be successful. And if those words are not spoken, if those whys are not shared, it can lead to conflict with parents being frustrated that their young person is wasting their time, And the young person feeling pressure from their parents to do something they're not ready for. But that conversation needs to be extended, like how long is this rest period? And what does a rest period look like? What are the activities that are happening? Just parents getting annoyed when the kid is resting too much and wasting time. 


The benefit of getting on the same page early in the gap year is really, really helpful.Because having those expectations on the table, setting those boundaries and guidelines and agreements in place, having it all on the table allows you both to make decisions moving forward, to engage in different activities moving forward, to have different responsibilities moving forward, without the conflict.


Because really what we want at the end of this is we want everyone to come out of the gap year feeling happy, healthy, satisfied, and continuing to have a good relationship with the other. 


Michelle Dittmer 13:56

So that's where that family gap year contract comes into play. It's really helpful because it actually protects both sides, both the parents and the gappers.


When I bring this up in conversation, The gappers are always concerned because they feel that this will be more rules set to confine them when they're hoping to grow and take some risks and get out there a little bit. So they're really not too thrilled when I talk about the idea of a contract because they think it's going to be imposed on them. But when it's done right, When it's done in collaboration, when it's done with the proper guidelines, it's more so a tool for gaining independence and freedom.


Really, the clauses in the agreement should protect the interests of both parties. Let me give you an example that I often use in workshops. Let's talk about curfew. Let's say you and your young person or you and your parents decide that the curfew is going to be midnight. That is what you agree upon in your family contract.Great, curfew is midnight. That means the young person needs to be home by midnight. Pretty understood. But it also means that mom and dad cannot start texting at 11 o'clock saying, where are you? When are you coming home? We need to protect those boundaries.


You said midnight. You can assume and hopefully know that your young person will be home by midnight. So we need to enforce that on both sides. We need to give the space for that young person to occupy what you have set as that boundary. So really setting expectations is really healthy experience and having everything written down on paper makes it official and binding.


But truly the real value comes from the conversation surrounding the creation of this family agreement or family contract. So how do we have that healthy conversation when it comes to setting up this agreement? I'm going to give you some guidelines or some tips on how to really make this work for you.


Michelle Dittmer 13:56

The first tip I want to give you is allow people time to prepare. Download the template, let everyone take it away for a couple of days and have them fill it out and think about what would be reasonable from their perspective. What we don't want is we don't want anyone taken by surprise or anyone put on the spot and asked for an answer that they haven't had the time to think about. Being able to look at all of those prompts, all of those questions, all of those things that need to get on the table gives everybody a time to think without stress so that they can come prepared for a very respectful conversation. A second tip is to find a neutral spot to have these conversations.


Now this conversation can be long. There's a lot of things to talk about. There are some things that might be challenging. So don't be afraid to take a break. Whether you need to take a break for an hour or a day or a week, really you might not be able to get through it all in one setting or you might get into a heated state when you are disagreeing that perhaps taking that break would make a lot of sense. So if you need to take that break and come back when you are refreshed and ready to take on the second half or third of that respectful conversation.


Michelle Dittmer 18:08 

Now above everything, everybody sitting down to this conversations needs to be open and ready to listen to each other. This is a collaborative document. It is not a dictatorship.

Both parties are adding value to this conversation. Now don't be afraid to ask why. Why is a very powerful question that gives us lots of context and the reason behind why something is important to the other party.


So let's take some examples here. A young person might say, why do you want me off my phone after midnight? And the parent may reply, you know what studies show that late adolescent brains need x number of hours of sleep to develop. We know you need to be up at six o'clock for work and so we want to make sure that you're developing in a healthy way and so we want to set a boundary there that will help you to Take yourself off your phone. We know how hard it is to put a phone down. We struggle with that as parents, so setting this boundary will help you and us keep a very healthy sleep routine so we can be the best versions of ourselves. And that might help the young person understand why that is something that is important to you as a parent.


So let's flip this around. Now, what if the parent has a concern? Maybe they're going to say, why do you want to be allowed to have your significant other in your bedroom? Obviously, our minds go a certain way, but asking why may actually give you a different answer.They may reply, you know what, because having privacy allows us to be ourselves. Maybe in my bedroom is where I feel the safest and I like that they get to see all of my things and all of the things that are important to me and it leads to really great conversations where we learn a lot about each other. And besides, that's where my video games are and that's something we like to do together.


Wow, not what most parents would have originally thought would be the reason to have them in their bedroom and a very reasonable option for explaining why that was something that's important to them. From there the conversation can go on and maybe you are comfortable with that or maybe you're comfortable with that with the door open but having that conversation and setting those expectations allows you with that why to do it in a very respectful way.


Michelle Dittmer 20:51

A next tip is to revisit the agreement if things aren't working. You might not get it right off the bat. Totally understandable, very probable that something some of the expectations or the agreements that you set forth actually don't end up working well for you.


There's something in it that's just not working for the family. Nothing is permanent. If it's not working, go back to the drawing board and come up with another agreement that you think might work a little bit better. Now, Parents I'm going to give you a tip and then gappers I'm going to give you a tip. Parents, I want you to remember to put into context for your young person that your kids' peers, they're the same age as your kids, they've grown up similarly, they've all gone to school together, some of them are moving out of the house and into residence at school. And I want you to keep that as a frame of reference for when you're setting boundaries.


Your kid is not too young to make decisions for themselves. Your kid is not too young to be independent. They are capable of more than you give them credit for. So think about what those peers might be able to do and what you should be looking at for your young person. The situation's a little different, they're under your roof, but just think about that and keep that in the back of your mind as you are having these conversations. Now gappers or young people, remember that you are still living under your parents' roof. There are some things that are going to make them uncomfortable and you need to work together to come up with something that respects both of your wishes.


You don't need to just say yes to whatever they say, healthy conversations, asking why, Will really help you to come to an agreement that works for both of you. Your parents have wisdom in all of their years and they do want what's best for you. So having those conversations can be really, really helpful.


All right, so all of this to say, download the template. If your kid is heading on a gap year, you're heading on a gap year or even if you're staying at home for school or work, if there's an adult child and parents living under the same roof, this exercise will help you to discuss all the issues proactively rather than posing ongoing stress and ongoing conflict and fights throughout your time together. Really it's a great tool for both the young adults and the parents to navigate these transitions in a really healthy way, with open communication around expectations and limitations, but also about possibilities.


Michelle Dittmer 20:51

Now if you need more support on your gap year journey, for parents we're hosting a parent information session filled with tips and tricks on how to support your young person on a gap year. We will be talking more in depth about this contract, about setting expectations. We're having that on September 10th at 8 30 p.m. Eastern, which is a must for all parents of people on a gap year.


So gappers, if you're listening, send that to your parents Parents, sign up for that because it's going to be an incredible opportunity where you get to meet some gap year parent alum, so people who've been in your shoes before, as well as tips and tricks from us who have navigated thousands of gap years over the last 15 years.


Michelle Dittmer 24:40

For Gappers, we are hosting our annual Gap Year launch. This is your Gap Year orientation. This is where you're going to meet some of your Gap Year friends, get access to new resources and have just a really amazing time.  It's one of the highlights every year for our Gappers and we would love for you to be there. Now, this year we're hosting a virtual event on September 12th, that is happening in the evening 8:30 PM EST. If you are in driving distance of Toronto, Vancouver or Calgary, those FROSH events are happening either the 14th or 15th. 


And we would love to have you come out in person, meet some of the CanGAP staff, meet each other, have some good food and just have a really, really good time. So whether you are attending virtually or in person, we are so excited to meet you and have you there and support you in this transition into your gap year. At CanGAP, really, our goal is to help you navigate all of the changes that a gap year brings.


And we have so many resources to do so. So please check out the website and book those free consultation calls because we want to help you navigate all of these transitions so that everybody has the best year possible. 


So my friends, if we don't see you at that parent information session or at Gap Year Launch, stay tuned to future episodes of this podcast where we'll send you more great stories and resources. 


Thanks for joining today and keep on adventuring!


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